How to Live Long-Term With Trauma

In 1793, he became deaf after the fever passed.

At forty six, Francisco Goya had gotten a terrible illness. A worse time for a rising artist to be in this desolate state.

But he continued painting.

Then Napoleon invaded Spain. Madrid revolted- and its soldier’s brains painted the streets. Goya witnessed the cruelty of war- the executions, mutilations, the following famine- and was heartbroken by it all. He recorded all this in The Disasters of War- prints so grim they were hidden from public view.

War did end. But nothing was ever peaceful after that.

Goya soon befell political injustice. And by the time he sought to get himself out of the sticky situation, he was old with deathly hollows he couldn’t forget or rationalize at the back of his mind. His recourse was some solitude- to buy himself a farmhouse in the outskirts of Madrid called the Quinta del Sordo or (The House of the Deaf Man).

The only way to express himself was to paint his nightmares on the walls of his house. Paintings like Saturn devouring his son, two men battering each other while sinking into the earth and a dog’s head sloping down a brown vale were products of this troubled time. His favorite dinner place was the one beneath Saturn.

It’s easy to run to the conclusion that Goya was consumed by the darkness he spent most of his life witnessing. But nothing could be further from the truth. Art was his salvation. He drew, painted portraits, and planned his work- daily.

Unfortunately, another political uprising arose. New danger arrived and in 1824 he saw it fit to leave the country at 78 and move to Bordeaux. He left the haunted house and left everything that mattered to him in there- even the paintings that have now become famous. What a tragedy for a deaf and elderly man!

Many people would have wished for death at this point. Given his work, he had earned it. He had lived. But this man defied the odds. He began learning lithography. And after some years of practice he drew an elderly man moving on two sticks, and underneath he wrote- Aún aprendo. I’m still learning.

At every moment, despite what he suffered in his head- he always chose his way forward, never letting the darkness be an excuse not to live, make something of himself.

I fell into the trap of thinking recovery was this thing where something painful happens, you get why it happened and empathize with the people who made it happen- you talk about it with someone and somehow things get back to how they were, you get back to being the same person you were.

But as we know in surgical practice, any wound you encounter never leaves the skin as before. It granulates, new skin forms around it, may become tender at times, but we still consider it healed. Our minds are the same.

You could be having the time of your life and then a sudden wave of loneliness, sadness or the pain of rejection hits you and you’re back to where you started. You might even get frustrated, thinking you haven’t made any progress. Thinking that the philosophy doesn’t work. And that’s why Marcus Aurelius always reminded himself that Stoicism had to be a practice because when we get punched in the face by life, we won’t suddenly become disciplined and composed- we’ll fall back to our baseline habits.

That’s why the best question to ask ourselves at all times is, How can I equip myself to live with this at any given moment?

create a supportive lyfestyle

No one knew how to live with suffering like William Cowper.

He could break apart often due to psychological distress. Even got into periods where he didn’t want to get on with any of it. The he’d endure, it’d pass and he’d find a way into ordinary life again.

He could have fallen into the illusion that he was finally ok. But he knew better. The darkness would return.

Mary Unwin, his widowed friend, knew his ups and downs well enough to stay with him when life became grey again. She cared for him. They settled in Olney where they practiced gardening, built a greenhouse and he wrote beautiful letters in it during summer. He even domesticated 3 hares he called Puss, Tiney, and Bess who humored him with their personalitites.

As expected, he got the blues again, but the garden was still there- he had built a practice around it, feeding the animals and Mary helped him push through. He was never a lone. Cowper did even get into writing, basing his magnus opus, The Task, on the ordinariness of life- like writing a poem about the sofa in his parlor.

The depressive episode ended and returned again. That’s how he lived.

There was never a secret code guaranteeing he’d never suffer again. But he was wise enough to cultivate stable ground on which to perch upon. That’s why its prudent to base our lives off the bad months, when we rarely feel like ourselves.

We ought to commit to the minimum of manageable responsibilities like- making breakfast, a short run, watering plants- do work that energizes us, keep fun and good friends around us, and adjust our activities to our energy levels. This way, our lives do not spiral at the behest of storms of broken relationships, crazy work pressure, sleep deprivation and painful memories. It’s good if our lives become a source of refuge- not strain us further.

With this structure in place, then we’ll have enough mind-space to practice what Epictetus taught us, about examining the thoughts and impressions we get before surrendering to them which helps us manage trauma when old fears, childhood conclusions and rejections try to paint monsters from harmless incidences in our moment to moment lives. This way your mind gets strong and trustworthy enough to steer you back to the shore.

A bit of self-promo before we continue- I’m in the final stages of editing The Stoic Manual: Meditations on the Art of Living, a collection of 150 practical Stoic meditations covering many problems we deal with in our modern lives. It’ll be released soon and included free for all Annual and Lifetime paid members. Meanwhile, access my other books here.

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reduce your commitments

Charles Darwin often became sick in his 30s, making travel, crowds, long social activities and his work almost impossible. He persisted but life became increasingly unbearable. And in 1842 he had had enough and decided to move, together with his family, to Down House in Kent countryside. Here, he’d be free from the overstimulation of his social life now that he had become famous. He made a short gravel path called the Sandwalk where he’d walk repeatedly while pondering his ideas. And he protected his office hours with intermissions of much needed rest.

But there was another problem. He had chosen an ambitious project. He was curious to understand how species evolved across generations and this needed several years of observation, correspondence, analysis, reading, writing and revision. Perhaps it was good that he was free from the exciting limelight.

He created a stable routine around his constraints and preferences while minding his body and he did this for 40 years. 40 years saying no, working on his idea for a few hours, resting and starting again the next day. There’s little glamour about this life but in the end his work changed Biology as we know it.

Safe to say, make your life easier if you need to. There’s no shame. Move to a quiet place. Take up less commitments. Spend less time with people who derail you or disturb your peace. Stop allowing distractions, messages, calls, invitations and emergencies to defeat your aspirations for the day.

Because in as much as ambition has its perks, achievement and attention feel good and status births countless opportunities- you still have to keep up with all of it. People suddenly want something from you, others are envious, you’re less freer, more fearful of losing what you’d rather protect and you might suddenly discover that this isn’t how you’d like to live.

It’s Seneca telling his friend Serenus- who had overcome his inner battle but still felt unfulfilled and deeply unhappy. He felt like an invalid who had recovered from an illness only to continue feeling as if they were feverish. How unsettling! He told Serenus to choose his obligations carefully, finish the work he had chosen meticulously, spend time with his friends and alternate work with a worthy solitude- reading & practicing philosophy. When life felt uneasy, he’d return to this practice. This was what the Stoics called euthymia- or being able to be in good terms with ourselves, the goal being so that nothing could affect us more than was necessary.

surround yourself with people who understand

It’s not rocket science that in 1917, after the war, British officers found it difficult to sleep, some got tremors and terrible anxiety, while others experienced constant nightmares. Brave men who had endured the trenches, artillery and faced near-death found themselves incapable of ordinary life.

People would say the soldiers were weak. But the psychiatrist W. H. R. Rivers thought different. He listened to them and advised them not to suppress what happened or what they felt but instead to speak about it, write about it and understand the connection between what happened and how they were living at the moment.

One day, another officer, Siegfried Sassoon, who had survived combat and won the military cross got sent to Craiglockhart, the post-war hospital. That’s where he met Wilfred Owen who was psychologically wounded and had found solace in writing poetry about the war. Sassoon read his work and encouraged him to continue writing.

They related to each other on a deeper level about the experiences of war that nobody other than those who had served would understand. Neither of them would need further explanation on why a sound, dream, memory or words in a conversation would bring war back into a room.

But one day war broke out again and Owen had to go fight.

Unfortunately he was killed in France just before the Armistice. Sassoon survived and he had to live with the trauma for another 50 years. He wrote about it all, read books, spent time in the garden and village cricket in Wiltshire. The traumatic life of the trenches still haunted him, but he found a way to live despite them.

That’s why surrounding ourselves with people who’ve had similar experiences to us can be life-changing. You don’t have to keep explaining yourself or why you feel what you feel. Therapy also serves a related purpose, giving you a stage to analyze, question and reorganize what your mind learned during danger.

I want us to build and see more life from the despair we find ourselves in. To find solace in nature, art and restore adequate proportion in our problems. I want us to stop giving in to outrage, disappointing news we don’t have control over and give up rotting our brains with social media. Of course this will take time. But that’s the way.

P.S: This is my work on relationships, touching issues closest to us, and how to navigate their ups and downs from a Stoic perspective,

The Necessity of Conflict

Surgeons know that helping someone also means first having to cut them open.

There was a time, when assisting in a spine case, I wondered how crazy it is that in order to relieve this patient’s pain- we had to inflict assault to his body. There was the scalpel cutting his skin open, the crude bone nibbler removing bone, a drill pushing screws into the bone and the lying unmoving in one position for hours- it was all quite gruesome. And if it weren’t for the pain meds, the patient would have ended up feeling worse than before during post-op. Much worse. But this procedure had to happen- to start the healing journey the patient had to go through it.

Our lives are much the same. Yes, we desire to connect with people. To laugh and have fun with them. To make them feel comfortable, loved, happy. Those are good intentions. But trying to be like that all the time begets many sins whose consequences we come to regret later.

Where Conflict Avoidance Begins

Edmund Gosse, writer of the book Father and Son, wrote a memoir about his experience growing up as the only child of a famous naturalist who was also a stout devotee of a religious cult. This was the kind of environment where honesty came with a cost- his natural doubts about God would bring him a load of shaming, endless prayers and threats about going to hell. That’s where he learned how to be agreeable.

One day, as any naughty boy does trying to test his limits- he began praying to a chair to see what would happen. Nothing did. He repeated a couple more times just to be sure. God didn’t strike him down. This remained his secret for years to come. And the book ends with him having reclaimed his ability to think for himself and choose how to live his life. He discovered free will.

People pleasers suffer from a chronic version of this. We’ve tried the same rebellion at some point in our lives, but it came with much dire consequences and an obtuse understanding that honesty, conflict and living true to our inner desires is a bad thing. It’s therefore important to scrutinize our thoughts whenever we can’t say ‘no’ without explaining ourselves because we don’t know whose influence is controlling our lives and whether they deserve to do so at this mercurial scale.

Avoidance is Expensive

We lead lives laden with conflict. Perhaps there’s a relationship you need to end and hurt a person in the process. A job you need to quit and disappoint your father. A child who needs some rules enforced even though they’ll come to hate you for it. Or even a friend who needs to hear the truth even though it’ll disappoint them. Waiting won’t make it hurt any less.

Samuel Johnson had lived an unremarkable and sad life before his fame and success. Lord Chesterfield, the rich man in his time, largely ignored him and his advances to apprentice under him. Through poverty and grief he ignore him. Until he wrote the first dictionary in the history of English language. Now Chesterfield wanted to praise him for his work, publishing two essays, angled toward taking credit as the one behind it.

Johnson couldn’t stand this hypocrisy. He wrote that a patron is someone who watched you struggle alone in water, and only after reaching land does he now come to ‘help’ you. What a shithead! The letter injured Chesterfield’s pride and ruined the relationship- given that our writer would have benefited from his wealth and power, but at least Johnson faced the situation courageously- and he got to keep his self-respect.

Be The Purple Thread

There’s a philosopher Epictetus admired- a senator working under the dictator Nero. His name was Agrippinus. Now, attending the emperor’s theatrical performances had become a loyalty test. You had to show up or you’d be considered legible for a mysterious murder. Agrippinus didn’t burge. Someone asked him why he put himself at risk like this. He retorted that he wanted to be the purple strip in a garment, which gives it its allure, rather than be the plain white thread that most people were- bunch of losers.

Epictetus follows with another story of Helvidius Priscus, who had been ordered by the emperor Vespasian not to attend a senate meeting. He went anyway. He was then warned that he shouldn’t speak his mind, else he’d be killed- he told them that he’d speak as he saw fit, his job was to tell the truth. And when questioned if he wasn’t scared of being murdered- he told them he wasn’t immortal anyway. Badass!

We all face a version of this. Our friend might get sad, our mother’s guilt may cripple us, our partner may get an awful day, and it’s not easy to endure any of this. But people need to know where you stand. Character means nothing if it breaks under stress. This is what the Greeks called parrhesia or speaking freely. Only through this candidness can you get true affection and belonging. All else is fakery.

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How to Grow Up

Cicero once criticized Cato, claiming he spoke as if he lived in Plato’s Republic and not the dregs of Rome.

Cato could be rigid and frustrating, even to his friends and allies. And that’s because he had decided that it was worth the price to pay rather than play nice and lose his moral ground.

Someone will be disappointed in you and you’ll survive. They’ll not beat you up. You don’t eat at their house. Your father might get ashamed of your decisions. Your friend might be hurt by your move. And even someone you love might not get the strategy behind your deeds. Still, their reactions are not the final judge to the validity and worth of your actions. Sometimes your path only has to make sense to you.

In the end, the stubbornness of this idea did cost Cato. But it’s prudent to still learn from his steadfastness. It’s also important to reconsider our position, listen to people and apologize if we’ve hurt them in some way. Otherwise, we lose what we love dearly- as Cato lost his Rome.

A better measure of if we’re having good conflict is whether the discomfort we feel is moving us toward a better ideal and happier relationships or it’s just damaging us. Peace comes from having a good character, maintaining that- and having clear cut boundaries of what we want and don’t. Of what’s good and isn’t.

My other work on the Relationship Series,

I was distraught when my sister fell ill. But I still had to function back at the hospital, still had to smile at people, carry on. I learned to cope with this event in a most unusual way.

Suddenly, the wells of empathy inside me opened up. I felt profound love and openness to everyone I met. I wondered what silent battles they were fighting back home, what bad news they had just received, what despair weighed on them as they chased life-changing dreams with all the right qualifications and skills, and still found every door shut.

I grew more intentional with kindness. To pacify and tell anyone I met they would be ok. I felt more love toward those I loved, more patience, grace, and kindness toward anyone who made a mistake, toward those who wronged me, and even toward those I disliked — even if only from a distance. I was them and they were me; I could see and connect with them through the painful human condition we share but are courageous and humorous enough to bear.

The least I could do was be considerate, compassionate, buy someone lunch, encourage them, give more benefit of doubt, tell some jokes, buy my lover flowers that I took the pains to assort and personalize myself, complement something I liked about a stranger or friend that day — anything but not add to any suffering they could be going through.

You never know how much hope and light you’ve restored in a person struck by angst — I know I needed the smiles, laughs, kindness and consideration I got while braving the sad event, I know my sister needed the positivity I’d extend to her. Paradoxically, I felt better embodying this attitude. It was a bittersweet experience.

We can’t let our pain callous us to the suffering of others. If we can do something good, we do it. We make the small circle around us better — and somehow, that work, that attention to others, becomes a balm for our own grief, even if that’s not why we do it. Cynicism, resentment, and rage do nothing but sharpen the knives already twisting inside us. It’s that quote by Charles Bukowski saying,

“We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

We can’t afford to wait for the haunting, reflective moments in the night, unable to sleep, “beyond the reach of warm milk and phenobarbital,” Joan Didion talked about, where we regret losing our temper, where we wish we were a bit kinder — or worse, wish we hadn’t been cruel to those who were nothing but good to us.

Previously,

Her father said he wouldn’t attend her wedding.

The great author, Charlotte Brontë- writer of the riveting Jane Eyre, was getting married to Arthur Bell Nicholls, her father’s assistant. A man who...

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Reasons Not to Give Up

There’s a lot to glean from my favorite painting by Adriaen Coorte called Gooseberries on a Table (1701). See above. It’s a simple painting yeah. There’s no pomp, or theatrics or expensive Tupperware holding the grapes. It’s also quite small actually- measuring 29.7 x 22.8 cm, which is about the size of a printer paper, illuminating mildly translucent and red to pink berries on a dark background. And pleasantly, that’s the point.

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The ordinariness of this painting is what’s most charming about it.

He cloned the same concept on various paintings, where he showcased strawberries, shells or asparagus- you know, what we see often but pay little mind to. And just as we do, he mostly went uncelebrated back in his day. But today millions of people have spent countless hours in a museum enjoying the Gooseberries.

His point was that we spend time and resources buying into consumerism and grand events to make life feel worthwhile, yet what we need to keep going is right in our faces. And it’s a sad tragedy that we miss it.

On Art & Its Abundance As Therapy

What’s happening to us also happened in the vast of European history. Many painters got paid by wealthy clients to portray the aura of commanders, epic battles and sacred saints. But Coorte stuck to his boring divine style to help us focus on what matters most.

Marcus Aurelius often reminded himself of the beauty in the foaming mouth of a boar, the cracks on a loaf of bread as we bake it, the splitting open of ripe figs and stalks of ready grain bending the wheat under their weight. His life was in every bit chaotic- talk about pandemics, betrayal by his best friend, death of his children, going to war- but he grounded himself in these tiny ordinary details.

For it’s a mistake to keep digging at a hard problem when you can just choose to look away for a bit. Go for a run in nature. Take a walk by the beach chasing the escaping sun. Watch some funny cat videos. Trust me, it’ll be ok.

‘Unselfing’ is a word that Iris Murdoch coined. She was looking out of a window one day, all angry and muddled with wounded pride when she noticed a rather beautiful kestrel flying by her window. She describes the moment as having helped her get her head out of her ass. She no longer thought of herself or her troubles and there was a sense of relief in that.

There are countless moments like this in your life as well, I believe. Look back to when you had a frustrating day or perhaps the blues were hitting you pretty hard and at this rock bottom you hear a song you haven’t heard in a long time, or you eat a savory meal or you come across a nice flower or you pass by a place with a really cool aesthetic. For a few minutes you feel transported out of yourself. And from this revelation is a reminder you can always tuck tight close to you for when life gets sad and despair feels like the only option available- that whatever agony you’re feeling is not final, this is not the only experience available to you. Undress the veil.

Tiny Reasons To Go On

With that, you won’t ever need a crazy breakthrough to feel better. I know life is bleak enough and it has probably battered your optimism. What I want you to focus on is the little stars of hope twinkling in the darkness. Find these sweet gooseberries in the foliage of an ordinary life and treat each one as a sign to go on- to wake up and try again tomorrow. That’s what will get us out of this.

Seneca, in letter 78 once admitted that he considered committing suicide because he was suffering a lot from his illness. However, he thought about his father, now quite elderly and how he wouldn’t be able to handle the loss of his son. So he decided to live in light of him. Still battling with this situation, he even wrote that, “sometimes it’s an act of bravery even to live.” There’s nothing truer. But he didn’t do it alone. What kept him going, other than his dear father, was reading this beautiful philosophy, hanging out with his friends and discussing poignant ideas with them. He found life in the ordinary.

Even our illustrious painter Van Gogh, once living in an asylum in Saint-Remy, heard that he was going to have a nephew. He found new meaning by painting the renowned Almond Blossom for this child making the early flowering almond tree elegantly illustrate a blossoming new life. It gave him some happiness.

And our young sweet Anne Frank who spent 2 years hiding from the cruel germans in a secret annex often looked out through the attic to see the bright sky, birds and a chest nut tree and often wrote about this scene as we see in her diary given it was the only pleasant thing of the outside world available in her vision.

All this to say that- in the worst of circumstances, enjoying the charm and awe of the beauty available to us can help us persevere what’s needed from us. And resist what harms us. This can take the form of the brown eyes in your spouse, a hot shower you’re looking forward to, a piece of work you want to create, coffee, a concert you’d like to attend, a book by your favorite author, your child or even your hilarious disabled pet.

Some of our problems may need harsh treatment, or the healing power of time. Or maybe precise decisions. Granted. Be patient. Find ways for things to work out. And don’t let pain surprise you. The paintings of Coorte never lost their vibrance or beauty waiting for us to find them and celebrate him 300 years later. Similarly, you’ll find a thing or two to hold on to as you go about your day. Welcome it. Let it penetrate and affect you- give you hope and joy. That’s all you need for now.

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I’ve wanted to wrote this piece for the longest time since watching The Odyssey by Chris Nolan. I’m excited for you to read it. And I hope you enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

Odysseus and the Dangers of Pleasure

They came back crying.

Odysseus sent some of his men to an island on his way back to Ithaca and their bravery got tested on a rather trifling scale. At least they saw the cyclops coming. But this time, the locals were welcoming and quite generous. They were looking for food and found it they did. Plenty. Even the lotus flower. Unfortunately. And as with all free pleasures, it came with a cost.

The men now didn’t want to get back on their sea voyage. The journey back home seemed too crazy, tiring and riddled with much unnecessary danger. Why not just settle on this beautiful island where they had everything rather than risk their lives for nothing, no guarantee?

Bereft of any other option, Odysseus sought to force these warriors- turned- children back to the odyssey. They threw tantrums. Grown men cried. But our hero knew better than to allow them to persist in this deplorable state any longer. They had to get back on the mission, even if it meant tying them steadfast on their rowing benches.

It’s weird isn’t it? Put yourself in these men’s shoes and you might wonder if Odysseus is depriving them of something essential, something special, pleasurable- being callous.

It’s like all the work they did to fight monsters and brave the cold, the hunger, no longer meant something. There’s no desire to go back home.

Now let’s look at our own lives. I’m sure you’ve felt so tired and overwhelmed by the work ahead of you that you just want a break, a vacation, or perhaps a few days partying and disconnected from the eternal pushing of the work boulder.

You might sleep in for a couple of days, watch a few more reels before bedtime or pour yourself one more glass of wine. And, granted, that’s good if you do it once in a while. The problem comes when you do it again and again the next day, and the next until the habit creeps up on you and now you can’t stand engagement with anything mildly boring, hard or one that takes time.

Epictetus once told his student that it’s normal for passengers, once a ship alights on the shore, to pick up a shellfish or two, enjoy the ambience and maybe rest up for a while. But the journey must continue. When it’s time to go you must leave everything you’re doing and get back on the ship or you’ll be left behind with no way back.

Here, he was trying to ease us into the idea of death, to enjoy the shore while we’re there but trust the grand destiny of our journey. Cool cars, good food, beautiful women, mind-blowing entertainment, more money than you could ever use- are good to enjoy and make the most out of. But we must never forget our mission- the promises we owe ourselves, our loved ones and the community at large.

We can’t fall into the trap of the lotus.

rest or languishing?

Helen used to mix nepenthe, an analgesic for the mind and soul, with wine to ease Telemachus and Menelaus from their painful memories. This concoction offered momentary escape from grief and sadness but unlike the lotus eaters, they didn’t let it engulf their lives, they found their way back to reality.

The greeks knew life wouldn’t stop it’s assaults just because we’re on top of things. They knew we’re human. Sometimes we need a drink. Sometimes we do need to sleep in. But we ought to act in such a way that it doesn’t neuter our energy for the next day, or let the search for our fix affect our work, and the way we love or think.

We don’t want to chase endless pleasure only to become endlessly irritated and frustrated because our fix is no longer scratching the itch just because we’ve become so desensitized to it.

I know. I know. Even Tennyson understood it. You feel like you deserve the break. You’ve worked too hard, suffered for long. You’ve spent sleepless nights wondering when it’ll end or become easier. Surely, there must be some point where you get to let go of the strictness, enjoy yourself.

It makes sense. Maybe you’re just exhausted or burnt out. And perhaps what we need is help, lesser work or some time away from it all.

But we must beware of endless recovery sessions. We must revisit the idea of work as essential to our joy and well-being. For the only point where it ends is when we die. Otherwise, it’s daily struggle and little glimpses of respite. Not to sound depressive. But to try to usher in you the idea that pressure can be joyous, hard work can be fulfilling, suffering can be meaningful- and we can take our breaks and get back to it, of course with some dread, but without losing our minds- crying, devastated. I want us to imagine the age old idea by Camus- to imagine Sisyphus happy.

on the dangers of success

Seneca, the cool and wealthy Stoic, once left his vacation from Baiae (Monaco of back in the day) immediately- a town filled with so much fun and parties because he felt it threatened his ability to practice philosophy. Prominent people in Rome came here to escape the demands of office life, much like our corrupt politicians.

Even though he had made progress in being disciplined and wise, he knew our environment has much influence on our character. If he were here today, he’d say you’re as fit as the contents in your fridge. That’s why after a week, he removed himself from the situation because he reckoned he might have to fight more than he needed trying to resist the abundance of daily pleasures. He feared the inevitability of becoming soft.

Again, Seneca once made fun of another wealthy Roman called Vatia whom a flock of women desired and men wished would be him. They professed that he was the only one who knew how to live. But when our philosopher passed near his house, he would let on his condolences saying, “Here lies Vatia.” Because yeah, Vatia was living a life full of plunder, but his entire essence was reduced to that inglorious life of serving pleasure. How sad? Having no color, no struggle or peak moments in life. Just paying stupid bills.

Imagine not being there for your friends just because they would disrupt your leisurely routine. Or neglecting an argument with your partner when you know it could bring you guys closer just because you don’t like being uncomfortable. Or letting your dream remain so just because you don’t want to do whatever is necessary to get it.

This is why it’s prudent to be more careful of success and indulgent of failure. Otherwise, we destroy ourselves by becoming soft and weak. It’s Marcus Aurelius, commander of legions and wealthiest man in the world in his time, warning himself not to become Caesarified. Because it’s how you come not to tolerate inconveniences, be allergic to correction or dreaming bigger or doing what’s necessary or pivoting a business because you fear loss in status or the upfront effort it’ll take.

We can’t run away from the discomfort that made us who we are, that brought us this far.

on useful distractions

I must admit that sometimes I like to watch something interesting on Youtube while I eat. It could be about a new business tool or a review of a car I have no intention of buying. And then someone calls me and the connection gets interrupted or I have to go back to work and I feel more annoyed than due proportion. That’s how I know that not all distractions feel shameful.

The sirens in our lives, just like in the Odyssey, promise to quench our intellectual curiosity or give us some mind-blowing idea about this and that, but in reality it’s all a trap. We gather all this information but we never use it. We never change our lives, become better people, or achieve our goals. All we do is accumulate, feel proud and remain stagnant.

And that’s why this is another form of insidious pleasure that we should take care not to fall victim to because on the outside it looks admirable. Anyone respectable does it. Why shouldn’t we indulge?

Don’t get me wrong. Reading is important. It’s what enables me to write you these essays. But it can’t stop there. Let the information you read reflect in your daily life. Research, preparation, and learning can’t be the end all be all. We can’t avoid the depths and the saccharine bounty of real life. Of doing cool stuff.

And on the other side of the coin, work can’t be everything- we can’t use it as an excuse not have an active and wholesome life. Fix your relationships, lose some weight or face your demons while you’re at it. Life is more. So much more.

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create your non-negotiables

Odysseus does a very interesting thing when he faces the sirens. He reckons that he’ll want to hear the enchanting siren songs and so he tells his crew to tie him to the ship’s mast and not to listen to him even if he begs for release. He’s aware of his irrational desires yet he puts measures in place to ensure he doesn’t compromise himself or his crew.

I wish more of us were the same. Because we set aside a resolution on Sunday evening to hit the gym the next morning but day breaks and we negotiate until the window to act closes. We pledge to save more money, or rather spend it on more useful things, but after two days- after a bad day- we’re online putting some stuff we think we deserve on the cart.

Of course it doesn’t work when we do things this way. The key, just as Seneca left Baiae or Epictetus set his attention on the ship, is to not need willpower to do whatever we need to do. The key is to make things easier for ourselves. Prepare for the workout before the next day or plan to meet a friend so you can stay accountable. Create a budget for the things you like, save for the expensive ones and track your expenses beforehand. It also helps to be more specific with our rules. For example, we can’t just say we need to drink less- the best move is to cap ourselves to three drinks. Then do the same for what you’re avoiding- be brutal and specific about where you’re wasting time, about why you’re avoiding a piece of work so that there’s no room for negotiation or for things to continue slipping by you.

Sure, getting back on your voyage will be hard. You’ll perhaps regret every moment. You’ll be angry. Or wail like the men of Odysseus, but get back on the path you must- because you get stronger, it gets easier, and your desire to want to push yourself, to do better, to experience a life larger than you’re currently living will come back. I promise you.

One day you’ll voluntarily pick up the oar and get back to Ithaca, as is your destiny. It’ll all make sense soon enough.

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There were days when my phone didn’t buzz once unless it was a food app alert or a work reminder. I’d leave the hospital and walk home past crowded restaurant patios, watching groups of friends lean in close, laughing in that easy, unthinking way that comes from years of knowing each other. I didn’t…

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Welcome! The Stoics wanted us to live flourishing, happy lives. But they also knew, just like the Lotus eaters in Homer’s Odyssey, there were many temptations (read: obstacles) to this ideal. One of that is addiction. And on today’s piece, my work as a Medical Doctor empowers me to provide you with practical tools, based on current Neuroscience research, to overcome whatever addiction that could be ailing you.

Practical Tools to Understand & Conquer Addiction

Addiction has evolved.

It’s about drugs and alcohol- plus now the never-ending reels in social media, the binge-watching marathons, and the highly processed foods.

These dopamine-driven habits do more than just waste your time- they’ll control your decisions, break your relationships and steal your freedom.

Dopamine, the brain’s chemical for reward and motivation, is driving this epidemic.

Dr. Anna Lembke, the Professor and Medical Director of Addiction Medicine in Stanford University School of Medicine, reveals that…

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Welcome! This piece examines how toxic femininity and masculinity can turn relationships into contests over sacrifice, work, ambition, and who gives more. Stoic philosophy offers a better standard- duty, fairness, gratitude, discipline, and respect for the different roles two people may carry. The aim is to understand how resentment grows and how couples can build a relationship where both lives are taken seriously for maximum joy and fulfillment. Prior editions on this Relationship Series include- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person & On Sexless Romantic Relationships. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

Against Toxic Femininity & Masculinity

It’s certain as water is wet that difficult arguments develop and fester long enough into the relationship.

A disagreement may suppurate with unprepared dinner. You’ve worked all day, come home tired, walked into the kitchen and there’s nothing good to eat. Before you’ve had time to think, you remember the emails, the traffic, the difficult conversation with your boss, the hefty bill you paid that morning, the high-stakes call you took during lunch. You look at the kitchen and think, Do I have to deal with this too?

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Your partner sees your face and… knows immediately what you’re thinking. What you don’t know is that they spent the afternoon with a sick child, called the plumber twice, bought groceries, dealt with a problem involving your mother, finished their own work late, and washed the dishes. Within five minutes, two people who have each spent the day doing useful things for the same household are angry with each other.

The food barely matters anymore. Each person feels unseen, and when that feeling persists, people start counting everything they do.

You remember the Saturday you gave up, the holiday you paid for, the mornings you got up first, the opportunity you passed on, the dinners you made, the family functions you attended because they mattered to your partner.

And this is what makes resentment a sticky situation. You’re doing things your partner has stopped noticing. Your partner is probably doing things you’ve stopped noticing too. Arguments about fairness become vicious because each person comes with facts and then mistakes those facts for the whole story.

The Trouble With 50/50

Few ideas have improved intimate life more than the belief that men and women deserve equal standing within a relationship. For most of history, marriage gave women far less control over property, work, money and the direction of their own lives. Domestic roles were largely settled by law and custom. The movement toward equality was therefore set on a positive direction.

But along the way, another idea emerged- fairness should mean equal division. Half the bills, half the cooking, half the cleaning, half the childcare, half the sacrifices. The appeal is easy to understand- a clear split seems to protect both people from being and feeling unfairly used.

Until two people actually try to live that way.

One person earns three times what the other earns. One has flexible hours and the other works twelve-hour days. One loves cooking. One is better with money. One has more patience with small children. One can deal with contractors without ruining their afternoon. Then circumstances change, as they always do, and an arrangement that made sense a year ago starts putting too much pressure on one person.

There is also a basic problem with measurement. How much is getting up in the middle of the night to feed the baby worth? What should we compare it with- working late, paying most of the rent, taking care of an elderly parent, giving up a promotion because the family can’t move? How should we quantify the person who notices that the child needs new shoes?

It’s not so simple. All of these burdens are real. And they come in forms that defy exact comparison.

Research shows that perceived fairness in the division of work is closely tied to relationship satisfaction and conflict. What a couple’s arrangement means to each person is correlated to their longevity. They may tolerate a very uneven division when they understand why it exists, took part in choosing it, and believe their contribution is respected. A mathematically even arrangement can still leave one person angry when they feel trapped inside it.

Epictetus sometimes mocked people who expected circumstances to provide what simply wasn’t available. He cautioned us against looking for figs in winter.

Perfect 50/50 often belongs in the same category. A relationship can be fair, generous and stable through periods when one person is carrying much more. The useful question is whether both people still believe the arrangement makes sense.

The Work Nobody Sees

Our arguments about fairness are also arguments about status. Paid work has become one of the main ways adults explain who they are, while much of the work that keeps a household functioning receives almost no public recognition.

Ask someone what they do and they usually tell you their profession. Doctor. Lawyer. Writer. Engineer. Founder. Few people answer by explaining that they keep four human beings fed, manage medical appointments, deal with school forms, remember both families’ birthdays and make sure the household has everything it needs.

Domestic work has an odd feature- when it’s done well, much of it disappears from view. The food is there. The electricity stays on. The passport hasn’t expired. The child goes to see the dentist. Someone notices that there is no toothpaste and buys more. People usually notice a gap when these things stop happening.

The Stoic philosopher Cleanthes knew something about work people don’t see. Before succeeding Zeno as head of the Stoic school in Athens, he supported himself through hard physical labor. He drew water for gardeners at night and studied philosophy during the day. Diogenes Laertius tells us that the Athenians became suspicious of how a man who seemed to have no income was supporting himself, and Cleanthes eventually produced the people who employed him as witnesses.

History remembers the philosopher. His philosophy still depended on a man doing exhausting work after dark.

Most impressive lives have something like this underneath them. Someone handles the tasks that allow the public work to continue. Sometimes the same person does both. Sometimes a husband or wife carries more at home because the other person is in a demanding season professionally. Sometimes grandparents are doing far more than anyone recognizes. Sometimes cleaners, nannies, assistants and drivers make two ambitious careers possible.

Somebody always does the work.

Once one kind of contribution gains status and another becomes expected, resentment has a fertile field to grow. The person doing more of the home work can begin feeling taken for granted. The person carrying more financial responsibility may feel equally misunderstood when their working life is described as though leaving the house every morning is a privilege rather than something filled with deadlines, bosses, customers, office politics and the pressure of knowing that several people depend on what they earn.

Musonius Rufus approached the status of men and women from a surprisingly radical starting point for the first century. Women, he argued, had received the same gift of reason as men and possessed the same basic capacity for virtue. That was why he thought women should study philosophy too. He lived in a world far removed from ours and didn’t sketch out a modern household, though his premise still endures- you can’t treat one adult’s mind, character or aspirations as inherently less serious simply because that person is a woman.

A good relationship begins with equal human worth. The responsibilities inside it can then be arranged around the people themselves and their strengths.

Whose Life Gets Priority?

Gustav Mahler understood the importance of his work extremely well.

In December 1901, shortly before marrying Alma Schindler, he wrote her a letter setting out what he expected from their marriage. Alma composed music herself. She was young, gifted and ambitious. Mahler made it clear that there would be room for one composer in their household, and that composer would be him. Her life would have to accommodate the demands of his.

She agreed.

People sometimes agree freely to arrangements they later discover they cannot live with. A sacrifice that feels manageable in the first years of love can become something very different after a decade.

By 1910 the marriage was in serious trouble. Alma had begun an affair with the architect Walter Gropius. Mahler became desperate enough to consult Freud in Leiden. Around the same period, he returned to Alma’s music, helped edit several of her songs and encouraged their publication.

The story gets interesting when you move beyond its most obvious lesson. Mahler was working extraordinarily hard himself. He was directing the Vienna Court Opera, conducting, composing and carrying enormous professional demands. The problem in the marriage was never that his work didn’t matter.

Alma’s mattered too.

That’s where couples can lose each other. One person’s ambitions slowly become the default around which everything else is arranged. Their meetings are protected. Their deadlines are urgent. Their travel determines the family schedule. Their exhaustion gets the most sympathy. The other person’s ambitions are expected to fit into whatever space remains.

You can learn a great deal about a relationship by asking whose time carries more significance inside it. Who leaves work when the school calls? Whose career determines where the family lives? Who can spend Saturday working without negotiating for the time? Who repeatedly turns down opportunities because somebody has to keep everything else running?

An unequal division of work can serve two people extremely well. But an unequal valuation of their lives is harder to survive.

Divide Life According to the People Living It

Ernest Shackleton learned a different lesson about division of labor in circumstances where getting it wrong could kill everyone.

When Endurance was crushed by pack ice in 1915, Shackleton and twenty-seven men were stranded in the Weddell Sea. Months later, six men attempted the journey from Elephant Island to South Georgia in the James Caird, a small open boat crossing roughly 800 miles of dangerous water.

Their survival depended on specialization. Frank Worsley navigated. Harry McNish, the carpenter, modified the boat and helped prepare it for the crossing. Tom Crean supplied the physical endurance for which he had already become famous. Basically, the person best equipped for an essential task performed it.

Shackleton still expected his men to share ordinary and unpleasant work. Scientists did basic chores. Rank did not grant immunity from everything tedious. The expedition combined specialization with shared responsibility.

A household can do the same.

Panaetius, one of the major Stoic philosophers of the second century BC, gives the principle a philosophical foundation. Cicero enunciates his idea in On Duties- when deciding how to live, we have to consider our common human nature, our individual temperament and abilities, the circumstances we have been given, and the roles we deliberately choose.

Cicero continues to say that actors choose parts suited to their abilities. And human beings should show at least as much judgment when deciding how to live.

Apply this to two people sharing a home and many arguments become easier to solve. Perhaps one person earns much more. Perhaps the other is excellent with money. Perhaps one loves cooking. Perhaps one has the patience for bedtime with small children. Perhaps both have demanding careers and buying help is the most sensible use of money they can make.

The aim is to use the people and the resources you actually have.

There will always be jobs nobody wants. A sick child at three in the morning doesn’t care which parent has the better temperament for childcare. Taxes still need filing. Bathrooms still need cleaning. Those tasks require some reasonable arrangement of their own.

Panaetius also adds something more important than efficiency. The roles that fit two people today may stop being congruent later on. A person who happily carried more domestic work while their partner built a business may eventually want their own turn at ambition. The right response is to look again at the life you’re actually living.

Work like a team and you’ll traverse the storm unscathed.

On Generosity

Seneca spent an extraordinary amount of time thinking about giving, receiving and gratitude. In On Benefits, he argues that the giver should be ready to forget what they have given while the receiver should remember what they have received.

That’s sometimes difficult advice for marriage.

You drove six hours because your partner needed you. You paid when money was tight. You looked after them when they were sick. You dealt with their family. You relocated cities. You gave up an opportunity. Years later, an argument begins and suddenly every generous thing you have ever done comes in as evidence.

Seneca understood what repeated reminders do to generosity. Once you keep telling someone what you did for them, the gift starts to feel like an awkward debt.

Some sacrifices obviously matter when a couple is deciding what should happen next. If one person stepped back from their career for several years, that fact may be crucial when the next major opportunity comes. But this becomes destructive when its purpose is to keep the other person permanently indebted.

Marcus Aurelius tackles the same problem from another direction. He describes people who help and immediately expect recognition, others who say nothing while privately remembering what they’re owed, and a third kind who simply does what is useful and continues with life. Marcus wanted to become the third type of person.

Marriage benefits from combining that discipline with another habit- remember more of what your partner does.

William Blake married Catherine Boucher in 1782. She couldn’t write her own name and signed the marriage register with an X. Blake taught her to read and write. She later learned the technical work involved in producing his books, helped print and colour the illuminated pages for which he became famous, and helped keep their household going through years of financial difficulty.

His name went on the work. But her hands were part of making it.

One remark attributed to Catherine has survived because it contains the truth about marriage in a sentence- “I have very little of Mr. Blake’s company; he is always in Paradise1.”

Anyone absorbed in demanding work should understand the complaint. Other people see the finished book, successful company, promotion or celebrated career. The person at home experiences the process that produced it.

And that’s why recognition and appreciation usually works better when it’s specific. Thank you for taking her to the doctor. I know it wrecked your afternoon. I saw that you changed your meeting so I could make mine. I know you’ve been handling more payments more while things are difficult.

The Right Handle

Once resentment has settled into a relationship, people often want more than changed behavior. They want the other person to understand exactly how badly they’ve been wronged, admit it in the right way, apologize with the proper degree of remorse, and finally appreciate everything they’ve been enduring.

Epictetus was once approached by a man who wanted to know how he could persuade his brother to stop being angry with him. Epictetus brought him back to the only part he could control- his conduct. Philosophy could teach him how to behave toward his brother. It couldn’t guarantee the brother’s response.

That’s why you can explain what has become unfair. You can listen carefully. You can apologize for what you’ve done wrong. You can make a specific request. You can decide what you’ll do if the pattern continues.

But you can’t force another adult to feel the exact emotion you think the situation requires.

This is where many arguments persist long after the practical problem could have been solved. Your partner agrees to change something and you remain furious because they didn’t sound sorry enough. They apologize and you keep pushing because they still don’t understand the experience exactly as you lived it.

Eventually the conversation has to return to what can actually change.

“I need you to handle bedtime three nights a week” gives another person something they can act on. “I can’t keep carrying this level of financial responsibility” gives you a problem to solve together. “Your career has come first for three years and I want us to make room for mine now” may lead to a difficult conversation, though at least everyone knows what the conversation is about.

“You’re selfish,” “You do nothing,” and “You have it easy” usually creates a rather trite trial. And the defensiveness that comes from there doesn’t help anything.

Specific requests give the relationship somewhere to go.

Sometimes those conversations reveal an injustice. One person is contributing far less. Money is being used as power. One career has consumed the household. One partner has become responsible for almost every unpleasant task. A useful idea of fairness has to be capable of clarifying these things without hiding them behind talk of compromise.

The point is to describe reality well enough that two adults can decide what needs to change.

Love Makes Your Life Somebody Else’s Business

Seneca gives us one of the more tender correctives to the popular image of Stoicism as complete independence.

In Letter 104, he writes about illness and his wife Paulina’s concern for him. He admits that her love changes the way he thinks about his own health. Because his life matters so much to her, preserving himself matters differently to him. She has made him, in his words, “more valuable to myself.”

There is something important here about what happens when you build your life with another person.

Your habits no longer affect only you. Months of refusing to sleep properly eventually reach the people who have to live with your exhaustion. Reckless spending affects the person whose financial future is tied to yours. An uncontrolled temper changes the atmosphere of the home. Neglected health eventually becomes somebody else’s worry and, sometimes, somebody else’s work.

Love creates obligations that solitude doesn’t.

This is another form of contribution that couples often overlook. Taking responsibility for yourself is part of taking responsibility for the relationship. You owe the people who depend on you some reasonable effort to remain someone they can depend on.

Cicero, writing about friendship, says that one of its great gifts is that prosperity becomes better when shared and adversity becomes easier to bear when divided between people.

That gets closer to the purpose of a relationship than any simplistic formula about equal chores.

A serious relationship gives two people somewhere to bring the parts of life that would otherwise be theirs alone. Ambition becomes something another person can help make possible. Illness becomes something someone sits beside you through. Money, children, grief, family trouble and ordinary exhaustion become responsibilities you can move between you as circumstances require.

The next ten years of a relationship will ask things from you that neither of you can predict now. Your capacities will change. Your ambitions will change. The people who depend on you will change. Some seasons will demand much more from one person than the other.

The work is to keep noticing those changes early enough to respond to them. You make room when your partner needs more of it. You say when you’re overwhelmed. You take their ambitions seriously enough to let them influence your plans. You learn which responsibilities belong to you because you’re good at them and which ones you ought to do simply because somebody has to do them.

And as the years pass, fairness becomes less about proving that each person contributed the same amount and more about something sublime- whether both people can look at the life they’ve built and still recognize the beauty they’ve created as themselves inside it.

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Welcome! Seneca wrote that even after a poor crop, we should sow again. Marcus Aurelius said the best revenge is not to become like the person who harmed us. Together, they knew that betrayal confuses our judgment. It tempts us to mistake one person’s failure for a law about all people, to confound intractable suspicion with wisdom, and to call emotional withdrawal strength. This piece is about learning to trust again after deception- how to remain open without becoming blind, and remain watchful without becoming impenetrable. Prior editions on this Relationship Series include- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, When Does an Affair Begin? & Three Questions to Ask Before You Leave or Stay in a Relationship. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

How to Trust Again

In the autumn of 333 BC, Alexander the Great fell badly ill in Tarsus after swimming in the cold Cydnus River. His doctor, Philip of Acarnania, prepared medicine for him. But while Philip was mixing it, Alexander received a letter from Parmenion, one of his generals, warning him that Philip had been bribed by Darius to poison him.

Alexander read the letter and said nothing. He slid it under his pillow. Then Philip came in with...

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Welcome! The Stoics understood that our closest relationships test the virtues we claim to possess. This piece looks at what happens when anger goes unspoken, pride gets in the way, and two people forget how to meet each other honestly- and what it takes to find their way back so that love can last forever. Prior editions on this Relationship Series include- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, When Does an Affair Begin? & Three Questions to Ask Before You Leave or Stay in a Relationship. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

How to Make Love Last Forever

In 1932, Edward Hopper painted a man and a woman sitting in the same room.

The man is bent over a newspaper. The woman sits at a piano in a red dress, pressing one key with a finger. They’re pretty close enough to speak. Perhaps enjoy a drink and bond. But neither looks at the other.

Hopper called the painting Room in New York. We stand outside the window, looking in on a private moment. We suspect a weird vibe between these two. Maybe something happened that evening. Or began years earlier.

People often describe the painting as a picture of marital boredom. The couple has…

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Welcome! Why do some couples survive deep differences while others break over seemingly small things? Through history and Stoic philosophy, this piece explores what keeps love alive, what slowly weakens it, and why being understood may matter more than agreement. Prior editions on this Relationship Series include- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, When Does an Affair Begin? & Three Questions to Ask Before You Leave or Stay in a Relationship. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

Why Some Couples Last and Some Don’t

In April 1866, Jane Welsh Carlyle died suddenly in London while her husband, Thomas, was away in Scotland. They had been married for almost forty years. Their life together had included burning affection, illness, money worries, jealousy, literary ambition, long arguments, and the strain of living with a writer.

Jane had spent much of the marriage writing letters to friends. She was funny, observant, and honest about what life with Thomas could be like. He was famous, demanding, often ill-tempered, and able to become so absorbed in his books that everyone else’s needs began to feel like interruptions.

Unfortunately, many of those notes to her friends carry a sad discovery- she had been telling people how…

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Welcome! The Stoics understood that romantic relationships suffer when desire, shame, resentment, and fear begin ruling us. This piece explores what happens when physical intimacy dwindles, why the silence around it can damage a relationship, and how two people can discuss their needs without turning pain into a blame game. It’s about sex, but also about self-rule, honesty, fairness, and the difficult work of treating someone well when you feel unwanted. Prior editions on this Relationship Series include- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, When Does an Affair Begin? & Three Questions to Ask Before You Leave or Stay in a Relationship. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

On Sexless Romantic Relationships

A month after John Milton married Mary Powell, she went home to her parents and didn’t return for three years.

It was the summer of 1642. Mary was seventeen. Milton was thirty-three. We don’t know exactly what happened during those first few weeks in his house on Aldersgate Street. But we’re certain the…

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Welcome! I started this Relationship series because most people, myself included, tend to compartmentalize instead of integrating what we’ve learned in Stoicism. For example, I may be courageous enough to cut up a person and fix whatever is wrong with them but sometimes when it comes to relationships and handling the delicacies that require an unholy amount of courage- I find myself shying away, which in hindsight, leads to more trouble than I’d have let on. Relationships are one of the hardest places to practice love, good judgement, kindness, patience, duty, and self-discipline. And if it’s relevant to you, that’s why last time we talked about Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, & When Does an Affair Begin? & Three Questions to Ask Before You Leave or Stay in a Relationship. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

The 9 Mistakes We Make When Choosing a Partner

Somewhere around mile eighteen of a marathon, a pebble the size of a lentil can end a race. At the starting line, you might not even feel it. But after thousands of steps, it’s rubbed the same patch of skin raw until every stride hurts.

A long relationship works in much the same way. The habit that mildly bothers you during the first year may become the argument you have for the hundredth time in the tenth. The way someone handles money, anger, affection, disappointment, responsibility, or sex rarely reduces once you begin sharing a life.

Choosing a partner means choosing how your life pans out. It means choosing who’ll sit across from you at breakfast, who’ll care for you when you’re ill, who’ll help raise your children, and who’ll be beside you when one of you loses a parent, a job, a dream, or faith in yourself.

You’re also choosing one of the strongest influences on the person you’ll become.

Epictetus warned his students to…

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Welcome! I started this Relationship series because most people, myself included, tend to compartmentalize instead of integrating what we’ve learned in Stoicism. For example, I may be courageous enough to cut up a person and fix whatever is wrong with them but sometimes when it comes to relationships and handling the delicacies that require an unholy amount of courage- I find myself shying away, which in hindsight, leads to more trouble than I’d have let on. Relationships are one of the hardest places to practice love, good judgement, kindness, patience, duty, and self-discipline. And if it’s relevant to you, that’s why last time we talked about Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person & When Does an Affair Begin?. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

Why We Spot Red Flags Poorly

The horse was too large to fit through the gates of Troy.

That detail is seldom noticeable when the story is retold. Virgil tells us that it didn’t occur to the Trojans that they had to tear open part of their wall to bring the horse inside. Funny enough, after ten years of keeping the Greeks out, they took up their tools and opened the city themselves.

They had already been warned. Laocoön threw a spear into the horse, and the blow produced a hollow sound. Cassandra was shouting herself hoarse about what that cavity contained. As the Trojans pulled the horse through the opening, it stopped four times. And four times the armor of the men hidden in its belly clanged. Four times.

The Trojans heard all of this. And they proceeded to cover the horse with flowers, drag it into the city, celebrate and go to bed.

Troy fell that night- in Virgil’s phrase, “buried in sleep and wine.”

We usually remember the story as proof of Greek cunning. Virgil also gives us a story about Trojan cooperation. The Greeks built the horse and left it on the beach. The Trojans opened their walls, dismissed their witnesses and carried the danger into the city without violence or coercion.

Something similar happens in relationships.

Most of us see the first…

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Welcome! I started this Relationship series because most people, myself included, tend to compartmentalize instead of integrating what we’ve learned in Stoicism. For example, I may be courageous enough to cut up a person and fix whatever is wrong with them but sometimes when it comes to relationships and handling the delicacies that require an unholy amount of courage- I find myself shying away, which in hindsight, leads to more trouble than I’d have let on. Relationships are one of the hardest places to practice love, good judgement, kindness, patience, duty, and self-discipline. And if it’s relevant to you, that’s why last time we talked about Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person & When Does an Affair Begin?. Let’s get into today’s lesson.

Three Questions to Ask Before You Leave or Stay in a Relationship

On 25 April 1854, Effie Gray left the London house she had shared with John Ruskin for six years. She told the household she was traveling north to visit her family. But somewhere along the railway line, she handed her father a parcel to send back.

Inside were her wedding ring, her keys, and the account books she had kept as Ruskin’s wife. Effie sent everything back before anyone could persuade her to return.

Ruskin was one of the most famous art critics in England. Effie had spent six years hosting his dinners, travelling with him, sitting for his friends’ portraits, and writing letters home in which she tried to make sense of her life. Their marriage had never been consummated. Yes, for a whole six years, they had never had…

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Welcome! The Stoics were deeply concerned with how we live with other people. Relationships are one of the hardest places to practice love, good judgement, kindness, patience, duty, and self-discipline. That’s why last time we talked about Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person & When Does an Affair Begin?. Today’s essay looks at lying in love, though its deeper concern is the psychology behind it. It asks why we do that, what it costs the people we love, how Stoic philosophy can help us before fear turns into betrayal, and how understanding this can help us move on or become better partners.

Why We Lie to the People We Love

On a September afternoon in 1860, Charles Dickens carried a heap of letters into the field behind his house at Gad’s Hill and set them on fire. Twenty years of correspondence went into flames. Letters from Thackeray, Tennyson, Carlyle, Wilkie Collins- proof of a life lived at the center of the English literati- burned in an hour. His children watched without knowing what they were seeing. They roasted onions in the ashes and made a small game out of the remains of their father’s hidden life.

Dickens later wrote as though the fire had given him relief. He wished, more or less, that…

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Welcome! The Stoics were deeply concerned with how we live with other people. Relationships are one of the hardest places to practice love, good judgement, kindness, patience, duty, and self-discipline. That’s why last time we talked about Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person. Today’s essay looks at adultery as how we evolve to receive the person in front of us, how we handle resentment, how we honor the roles we’ve committed to, and how ordinary evenings either protect love or prepare its ruin.

When Does an Affair Begin?

Affairs, like malignancies, begin in…

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Welcome! The Stoics were deeply concerned with how we live with other people. Relationships are one of the hardest places to practice love, good judgement, kindness, patience, duty, and self-discipline. That’s why last time we talked about Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person. Today’s essay asks whether we can still practice this philosophy when we argue or fight with our loved ones and how to repair the bond before one bad argument turns into estrangement.

How to Fight Without Losing Each Other

In late June 1940, while France had surrendered and Britain prepared for a possible invasion, Clementine Churchill wrote her husband a letter she knew could hurt him.

Someone close to Winston had told her that his manner had become rough. His staff were growing afraid to bring him ideas. They still admired him, though some had begun to resent him. Clementine wrote down what she had heard, read it over, and tore the letter up.

Four days later, she tried again.

The second letter still told the truth. She warned Winston that rudeness would get him worse work from the people he needed most, and that she could barely bear the thought of those who served him admiring his courage while ceasing to love him. Yet the letter carried something the first draft may have lacked- the sense that she was beside him. She wanted him to succeed. She wanted the people around him to remain loyal. She wanted the man she loved to see what pressure was making of him. And at the bottom, she drew the little cat she often added to her affectionate letters.

I’ve rarely handled anger that well. I’ve sent messages while still enraged, convinced that if I’m not fast enough I’m being weak. By morning, the complaint was often valid, but several words had become hard to defend. Then the argument had two subjects- what had hurt me, and what I had said while trying to explain it.

Most of us know how to begin an argument. We know how to collect evidence, interpret tone, remember previous offenses, and build a case. But patching things up asks for…

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Welcome! The Stoics used negative visualization to prepare for life’s changes and appreciate what they still had. This essay explains how to practice it without turning preparation into anxiety.

The Stoic Art of Negative Visualization

One evening in AD 65, Lugdunum caught fire. By morning, one of the richest cities in Roman Gaul had almost disappeared into ashes and dust.

Seneca heard the news through his friend Liberalis, who loved the city and was devastated by its destruction. What struck Seneca was...

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